Hi! Welcome back!
Today I want to talk to you more about the motivations about why people are non-monogamous. There are so many different reasons, and some may be extremely strongly held beliefs or even a sense of identity while others may have a philosophical preference against exclusivity. These are all valid reasons. Many motivations include having more love than for just one person, feeling trapped in monogamy, different sexual wants, and the desire to explore different bonds without labels.
As a breakdown, ethical non-monogamy refers to relationships where all partners agree to the possibility or reality of additional romantic, sexual, and/or intimate relationships. There are still many myths around people who are non-monogamous, including that they are mentally unwell or looking to cheat on their partner. Most research has been done with mononormative assumptions, where monogamy is the norm but also “healthy” and where other options are seen as “unhealthy” in different relationship structures. Motivations for engaging in and maintaining sexual and romantic relationships are linked to relationship satisfaction, levels of commitment and intimacy, and as indicators of psychological wellness¹. This goes along with self-determination theory, which states that being autonomous and self-driven in relationships is of high importance to the fulfillment of basic psychological needs.
One main motivation is autonomy and choice, as feeling pressured can negatively affect psychological and relational outcomes. Many people want the freedom to explore all people who come into their life. It can be difficult to explore relationships to the extent of their possibilities when you only have one end goal, marriage. There is a phenomenon called the relationship escalator. This is the idea that in a relationship, you get on, and you keep moving up. There are no breaks, stepbacks, or pauses unless you end the relationship. The “top” of the escalator is marriage. With non-monogamy, many people find that the freedom from monogamy and for people allows them to have relationships that cater to their wants and needs, without the need to have every romantic relationship they start have the goal of ending up in marriage.
This freedom allows supporting connections of all kinds. People may think it's purely sexual, but many relationships we do or could have don't often fit in boxes that make sense to how we normally think about relationships. People feel that they are able to love freely and fully. They may have intimate bonds with people for a variety of different reasons, and they are allowed to connect with as many people as they would like. People may also find freedom in the process of cultivating new relationships and to be expansive and brave with the way they love and the ones they love.
Other people feel it’s a lot of pressure to expect one person to be everything you need to be fulfilled. While some people may find everything they want in one person, it often is difficult and not the case. We typically have more than one friend to fulfill our want for different kinds of friendships, so the same theory is extended to non-monogamous relationships. Furthermore, looking for everything in one person may lead to disappointment when someone comes into your life who doesn’t fulfill all your needs, or it may lead to a constant search for someone who may not even exist.
Some people do not hold sexual and romantic exclusivity as a value. They simply do not mind openness in their relationships, as long as it is agreed upon and known about. Therefore, it does not need to be held as a value inside of a relationship
Many people find that non-monogamy allows them to develop and work on more healthy independence, as they cannot rely on traditional relationship roles. They also learn how to communicate desires and thoughts in a way that may not be as necessary in monogamous relationships. While everyone would benefit from this, and it is recommended for everyone, it is a key factor in non-monogamous relationships. It also allows people to work through jealousy actively, along with a partner while building up communication techniques and independence.
While I already touched on it a bit in my first blog post, I want to share more about my history, through all of the good and the bad. I have been in two monogamous, long term relationships, and both of which were hard to maintain that monogamous title. My overall motivation is that I felt trapped in monogamy. While I was initially inspired more by sexual freedoms that came with non-monogamy, soon I realized that would allow me to have my feelings without hurting the people around me. It was difficult to explain to others what I wanted in a relationship, as this was new to me, and I had not been in a dedicated romantic relationship after knowing I wanted a different kind of relationship. Thankfully, with my current partner I found the ability to communicate what I wanted and what I needed. It’s still scary. I don't really know what I want. I think as I grow up more and develop more comfort and confidence that I will have different wants and needs. It is hard for me to tell people who aren’t my partner what is going on with my relationship. I’m still figuring it out.
Thanks for joining me this week! I thought it was important to post about motivations, as that is typically the biggest question I get. Why? There are so many reasons, and everyone has an individual story or background. I hope you enjoyed this article, stay tuned for the next one!
References
Wood, J., De Santis, C., Desmarais, S., & Milhausen, R. (2021). Motivations for engaging in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1253–1272. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01873-x
Comments