There is a relationship spectrum, and it spans from exclusivity to non-exclusivity as well as romantic to sexual. With this as our basis, there is the option for relationships to be ethically non-monogamous. This means that people are able to have romantic and sexual relationships with many people, or more people than just one. This is different from cheating, as cheating is a betrayal of trust around what has been established as acceptable in a relationship. People who are ethically non-monogamous can still cheat, and ethical non-monogamy is not an excuse for people to be involved with others in a way that is outside of the relational agreement.
Around 10 million people, which is around 5% of Americans, are ethically non-monogamous. People are ethically non-monogamous for a variety of reasons such as an ethical commitment to freedom in the relationship, differing sexual and emotional needs, and enjoying exploring relationships with multiple people. Ethical non-monogamy is a widely used term, and it can include polyamory, open marriage, swinging and relationship anarchy. While there are so many people and kinds of relationships, mono-normativity is still very common in western society. Mono-normativity refers to the expectation/assumption that romantic partnerships should be sexually and emotionally exclusive.
I will explain a few types of ethical non-monogamy in the chart, but know that these are not all of the possible ethically non-monogamous relationship structures. Every relationship is different, every landscape is different, and every circumstance is different. I do not even know what my relationship would fall under category-wise, as there are different rules for different situations. I want to enlighten you on several kinds, so that you may have a guide if you wish¹.
Monogamy – practice of being in a relationship with only one partner at a time. People who are monogamous date or marry one person at a time, and they have no involvement romantically or sexually with other people.
Monogamish – relationships that are romantically monogamous and also allow for agreed-upon outside relationships. People who are monogamish follow a relationship structure similar to monogamy, but there are some sexual allowances in the relationship like a “hall pass” periodically or more open options when people travel. These may depend on the location, kind of things, or the people that are involved. (This is what I relate to the most).
Polyamory – practice of engaging in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships. People who are polyamorous may have multiple romantic or sexual relationships in a closed pathway, hierarchical, or non-hierarchical way. In a closed pathway, people can only be romantically or sexually involved with the people in that pathway, but it is more than one person (throuple, quad). Hierarchical polyamory is when people have a “primary” partner, and then other people they may be involved with are “secondary.” Non-hierarchical polyamory is where there are no levels of partnership.
Open relationship - relationship in which both partners agree that each may have sexual relations with others. People in an open relationship may have sex with people outside of their relationship, perhaps with agreements about how that would happen in terms of safety or type of relationships.
Relationship Anarchy – deciding to not base a relationship on a foundation of entitlement and respecting others’ independence and self-determination. People who are relationship anarchists may view their relationships as non-hierarchical, descriptionist, and sometimes non-monogamous. They look to create their own relationship style, without prescribing to the notion that relationships have to be or look a certain way.
These are all distinct kinds of relationships, but there are some that do not fit into the mold of a chart or anything else. Relationships also can move in and out of different types of ethical non-monogamy depending on lifestyle, location, life events, boundaries, and desire of individuals. People may lean towards one, but it is not set in stone forever.
I really enjoyed the beginning of my non-monogamous journey rethinking what relationships were. I was able to let go of many strict guidelines that I had previously held onto. For instance, I did not know that I would be able to have outside relationships in any way, shape, or form that was not my main partner. This really helped me open up and accept myself, because in the past I had struggled with maintaining monogamy as that was the rules and regulations of my relationship. I also enjoyed being involved with people, and not looking to monogamously date them. I was able to explore the relationship as it was, instead of trying to make it something predetermined or something that it wasn’t.
In my dating time, the hardest part was not finding people who were accepting, but it was talking to the people involved about what I wanted. I am extremely talkative and share a lot of things, but I get shy when I talk about my relationships with partners and potential partners. The few times I built the courage to have the conversation, it did go well. I was also explaining to my friends and classmates what was happening, as many people had not heard of it or they did not understand. Everybody has been kind and receptive so far.
My experiences are what has led me to make this blog. I want more people to know that ethical non-monogamy exists. I want people to ask questions, and I want to answer as much as I can. I don’t know everything. I don’t know all the things I want, and I definitely do not know the relational style I will end up choosing. I am trying to create a community of people who understand, experience it, and want to learn more about it.
It also can be nice to read and learn more, including books like Polysecure and The Ethical Slut.
Thanks for reading! In the future I am making posts on how to talk to friends, family, partners, and people involved. I love guides, and I love learning along with you. Also I will be posting more about how to determine that, and possible next steps. Hopefully you learned something, and I will see you again soon!
Chart adapted from Polysecure By Jessica Fern: Chart of the types of non-monogamy